I can understand why

The other day my girlfriend and I were having a conversation about cheaters. What provokes people to step outside of their relationship and cheat? After watching a few people around me cheat, I feel like I can understand why people do it. There seems to be fundamental problems going on that makes people want to seek control back in their relationship and/or lives. For example, someone who shall remain anonymous, is cheating on their boyfriend and/or husband. From the outside, one may not understand why. But from the inside, there are insecurities issues that prevents the wife and/or girlfriend from moving and acting as she pleases. So, to seek the little bit of control she can personally get, she cheats.  That makes sense to me. But one wonders, then why stay with the person if he is controlling? Time and investments put into the relationship is what is why. It is not easy to just pick up and leave after years of time and energy invested in that relationship. And counseling may not always help. So what then?

This entry is inspired by my own relationship. I am experiencing a moment in my relationship where I am realizing something about my partner. Something about myself. And thats CONTROL. Who gets it? Who has more of it? How can we evenly have control in something that we both invested in together?...hmmmmmm I am still working on these answers. Just wanted to put my thoughts out there to roam the internet, hopefully into the hands of someone who can answer these questions.

A nightmare

All the legal legalities of my imagination 

has increased my awareness to figure 
out the truth from lies and in reality everything is a lie...

cofuzzled words of 
habeus corpus and other immaculately designed words 

used to confuse me and My 
mental instability...

I'm desperate to find some truth in all my madness. 

I take a deep breath and search 

through all my emotional hidden white lies to reveal my 
vertical kind if horiZontal axis of liberations. 

I am a black college female...

grad school bound even if I'm miserable woman 

deserted in between two crossroads 

and I'm suppose to find a path all my own...

I'm scared. Sighing as I 
close my eyes I can not afford to be different...

because being different is a luxury and I am only working with necessities... 

I do not have the fare to pass go and collect my 200 dollars. 

Oh no!! 

I have to work twice as hard just to get my $2.25 

well now $2.50 just to take the train ride along. 

Sitting next to my 
privileged counterpart I envy everything that is awarded to her. 

My sexuality is 
a jail cell alone...locked in my own body I am only but this human shell 

trying to be something other than a black college female 

or confined to a sexual label 
i didn't place on myself...

so reality has proved to be one thing...

a dream 
inside of a dream 

inside of a nightmare

News Report for this Week

Here at my school things have been going up and down. My grades have been....a mess this past semester. I have not done all that I could do to get them where they NEED to be. And because of this, I was granted (requested.)(forced) to meet with the dean of academics in my school. She is this sweet older woman who runs the academic department in the school. Yay me? Not exactly. I am nervous about defending my grades to people. But today is judgement day! And I have to be held acocuntable for my actions from last semester. (urgh)


On to other news...the weather is getting a lot better in cold Pennyslvania. The sun is coming out earlier...and staying out longer. The wind chill is slowing down. And this past week, the weather has just been getting better and better.


This is Zaraya. Back to you readers :)

What to do??

She Doesn't care about me and when I confronted her about it...this is what she did. URGH. She doesn't love me...(joking. She really does)

You Know Me

I woke up this morning
 to this
 beautiful text message
it boasted about all the things you knew about me
my favorite flowers and clothes and accessories
you spoke
to me
without a voice
using your words
before I was even conscious
It was literally the first thing
I saw this morning
Your content with my favorites
my food...my day to day personality
You knew this...
You knnow me more than you realize
and thats scary...in a good way
because sometimes, when I feel disconnected, like you dont know me...
these moments help me realize that you do.

DISINFECTANT WIPES

I bleed. Red. Blue. Orange. Yellow. All the colors

all the shades

all the hues

I cry in languages that only pain would understand

I envy those that are happy

I am jealous of those who can fake their happiness more than I can

I beckon for my lovers to break through my shield

and see the real me that people rarely sees

but she may not be strong enough to fight the resistance

she may not be dedicated to the struggle that is sure to come

I want to tell her my secrets 

I wish so bad that I can

but I would rather die...

I would rather...

use disinfectant wipes to clean cut marks off her wrist 

off my wrists

off your legs and thighs

I bleed just as strongly as she does

and her pain is my pain

it's your pain

it's this sisterhood

We just need disinfectant wipes to clean up all the dirt.

All the pain.

All the blood.

(I know this poem is sort of morbid but therapeutic)

Brown Skin-

Brown Skin by Indie Arie--

What does the color of my skin mean to me?

The problems that arise...are they pyschologically constructed

by what I think others want to me think?

Am I BLACK or Afro-American or African American

or a person of color?

Is it akward to discuss my "black-ness" with you?

I never knew how akward YOU were because I AM BLACK...

it's a issue I suppose.

What can we learn from each other?

Your whiteness and my blackness...

Let's not pretend it doesn't matter...

no, I am not just tanned really well for 19 years...

I want this not to bother our relationship, our friendship

you are clearly blonde

stop saying that it's natural highlights.

We are different

but that's ok

Let's cut the bull-shit

Yes, I AM brown skin



Life is Self

Life is self. A young woman I am following on blogspot titled one of her entries LIFE IS SELF. And that struck me as something...well quite remarkable. It seemed so complex in content yet the words are simple. This body that we all inhibit is what helps us transport from one place to another. And most philosphers would agree that life is when individuals could make conscious decisions and choice and communicate and socialize in some way...regardless if it's the "normal" way. And all of this supports that Life is Self.
What you make of your actions and idk...I really liked these three words next to each other. It seemed more than words.It seemed like a quote of life. Maybe a possible new tatto idea even.

If you have no sense of self, I guess you have no life. Haha that was pretty mean I know. So many people don't know who they are. Well, I guess they better find out quick!

My Drunk Post

I am sitting in my dorm room drinking wine and watching Law and Order SVU (Special Victims Unit). I am attempting to do homework yet you know how that goes...once the cops shows are on, everything else that was deemed important goes out the window. Britney and I are fooling around, like hopeless lovers pretending as if the events of our past weekend did not exist. And it feels great. I am on my third cup of wine feeling young (haha because I am young, so you get the joke...no, not funny.oh). I am wondering what the rest of the world is doing. I have tons of homework to still complete but I could not resist the urge to log into blog spot and jog down the events of the day.

Early, Early this morning my alarm goes off (9:30AM) As I hit the snooze button I realize, today is not going to be a productive day for me at all...and it sort of wasn't.

10:30am-The OIT people come into my dorm room to fix a broken clothes dresser (damn, I am lucky I do not have to pay for this. ha!)

11:00AM-  I DECIDE CLASS WAS NOT GOING TO BE AN OPTION FOR ME TODAY.

11:45am-I re-arraigned my room around. It's a blast and so spacious. I am really proud of myself...

The rest of the day was a blur. Too much Tylenol for my toothache (urgh..raw) and now I am up...attempting to do homework while drinking wine and watching Law and Order...

So, as I predicted, my day was not productive at all. Ha!( shaking my head)..but hey, what can I say, I am a college student!

I love you girlies (B & R & Z)

My Coffin to Bare

This is my coffin...my duty.
My anguish shed. 
This are my interests and my time and my emotions spred.
You have no clue what to do with me
It's visbly impossible not to notice your confusion
You do not know what to do.
Surrounding by all these little frantic girls
yellling and shrilling about what to do in this world.
This is my coffin to bare
you have no idea
what to do with me
with my pain
with my anguish
with my life.
with my coffin
Because this is my coffin to bare.

Craziness is Heaven

I was looking for a title to describe the emotion that I am feeling right now. And as I was browsing pictures online to describe my mood, I ran across this poster that said Craziness is Heaven. And wha-la! The title and emotion for my next post existed. It was a feeling of amazement that it was only three words that made me feel...whole again. 

The existence of this blog is refreshing because I am tired of being conscious of the words that come out of my mouth. I am tired of caring about how other people think...and how THEY feel.  I want to be selfish. And I will express my disdain and disgust in a healthy way on THIS blog. I saw a blogger who wrote that she wishes to remain small. That was startling because isn't the point of blogging to be heard...what's the point of existing?

I am in love with the idea of love and that's pretty crazy. Poetry to reinvent myself...in a dark way while still remaining friendly and honest. My sexuality bothers people. I know it does. Why does it matter to me that other people are bothered by who I am? I don't know. It does though. But I am starting not to care. I am starting to remain...in-genuine to myself if I continue to care. Craziness if truly heaven...FOR ME!

The Beginning

Its a fresh start from the ending
It's a new play of words
where the incorrect here will be the correct
The rules of the game will be different
and suffocating to some
The Beginning of something fresh where
denials of the heterogenous of it all will be accepted
Its to push the standards of the accepted
No more sugar coating
No more second guessing
This is who I am
Politically and Insufficiently In-Correct